Three years and one day later it was over.
‘I can’t do this anymore’. You nodded and continued to fold the laundry.
I sat and cried for hours. Washed my hair and went out.
The torture of your body next to mine.
I never thought our love story would die like this.
You were home to me.
I couldn’t understand how you could still love her, even after she hurt you so much.
I forgot. I forgot that there were those moments where you couldn’t imagine your life without her, and she couldn’t imagine her life without you. I forgot that when she smiled your whole world was bright. I forgot that when you played with her hair, her heart slowed and everything was okay for a while. I forgot that you were bound together.
It’s been 248 days without you. Two hundred and forty eight days of sadness turned to anger turned to sadness. I had closed the door on you for 228 days. And so, for twenty torturous days you’ve been coursing through my veins. You first came to me on that same road, at a different time, in a different life. You’re everywhere I go; you’re in everything I do. You’re in my hair on the days that I’m sad; rippling through just like the wind on the day we first met.
Tomorrow will be day twenty one.
Identity.
It’s an interesting notion, isn’t it? I was curious as to how a dictionary described it so I did a bit of a search. Thank-you World Wide Web. Dictionary.com describes identity as ‘the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another’; pretty straight forward hey? I even looked up on UrbanDictionary and their definition of identity is ‘something that describes an individual entity by its properties. Humans can identify themselves with a birth name’. The example they gave is ‘my mother named me Mistake, now I have an identity’. Pretty funny.
Lastly, but not least, my very expensive psychology textbook refers to identity as ‘a stable sense of who one is and what one’s values and ideals are’. PsychBook offers more insight saying that some people establish their identity after soul-searching whereas others can commit without exploration. There is another option, one that I feel is currently happening in my life; being perpetually confused. Turns out I may try on various roles throughout my twenties. So lets take a look at what is happening in my life.
Struggling with who I am – Big Tick
Can’t decide what to do with my degree next year – Big Tick
Don’t know where to live – Big Tick
Experiencing emotional unrest – Big Tick
Feeling mighty confused about the majority of things in my life – Massive Tick
Although I may take a step back and breathe, it only gets slightly easier knowing what is happening in my life, and establishing myself as an individual when I am overwhelmed. Far from stable. Currently my mind is a vortex. Anything and everything has been sucked in, like a powerful Dyson vacuum cleaner, and its all one big mess. So how do I deal with things? How do I cope day to day? These are the questions that plague me pretty much every second of everyday, along with the thousand other thoughts that run through my head. So lets tackle one thing at a time.
I can’t decide where to live. Brisbane or Melbourne. Each has their pros and cons. Currently I live in beautiful Melbourne. Soon I will live in the beautiful Peninsula. I am apprehensive yet excited. New things await me. Yet every time I go back home to mum and dads it is so beyond easy and recently I was 98% sure that moving back in with the parentals was a brilliant idea. With all the other things happening, it still does seem like a good idea. I hate Brisbane, yet it is easy to unpack my clothes and do my craft on the open decking with a cat underneath my feet. Okay, I still don’t have any idea. Moving on.
Not knowing what to do with my degree next year. Do I become a police officer straight away, do I get a job in corrections or in the courts, do I do further study? I have options, too many options. I am incredibly blessed that I have all these options but it makes it mighty confusing to decide what to do with my life. I want to do all these things I have suggested, so I guess I apply for jobs, wait and see what fate has in stall for me.
Now for the big ones. Emotional unrest. Identity struggle. Feeling confused. Let me be honest here (and this is scary revealing a part of me that is ugly) – I suffer from depression. It seems suffering from a mental illness is so much harder without an identity, without knowing who you are. Two years ago I would have known who I was. Outgoing, adventurous, brave, rude. I was kind and abrupt but loyal and loving. Proud, loud and hot-tempered. I did not think that I would be affected by a mental illness. But mental illness does not discriminate. It does not care about your plans or what colour hair you have. Depression came into my life like a burning hot coal. It sat in my mid section, travelling to my legs on the days I couldn’t get out of bed, other days travelling to my eyes when all I could do was cry. It ruined my appetite and my beliefs and it crushed my soul, shredding all that I knew about life and about myself.
Who am I now? I am someone who has survived an overdose, an attempted suicide. I am quieter, I am not so sure of myself or the world. I get scared and anxious about so many things.I am mean and bitchy. I am cranky and unkind. I am confused and I still cry. Yet I am still loyal and loving, I try to be kind and thoughtful. I try so hard. I am still somewhat loud and outgoing, just on a lower level. Despite the positive (?) traits, I manage to see the negative. I see the shell of the person I was. The decaying, rotten flesh that depression has left. The paranoia consumes me. Each day is a struggle to put one foot in front of the other. I do not know what the day will bring when I wake up. Lacking an identity makes it hard to be able to make decisions about the simple things, let alone the big life changing things.
I look at my sister and see a dancer, a bit of a bossy-boots and someone who loves to shop. My sister-in-law as a gluten intolerant, loud, somewhat hippie lady. My dad as cheeky, loving, sometimes a quiet man. So when I look at myself, how can I not see how I am? I have spent 21 years watching this child turn into a young lady, so why don’t I know who she is? I think she likes creating things (food and art), its possible her favourite colour is purple and that she is passionate about equality and honesty. I think she likes mangoes, cats and reading on the beach. I think she dislikes onions, spiders and having long fingernails. I think, but I can’t say for sure.
If you asked me for 100 points of identity I could provide you with my passport, birth certificate and medicare card. My nationality, hair colour, religious background and history are all part of my identity but they do not define me. I define me. Me, whoever I may be.
I guess now then that I am on this journey of self-discovery. I need to nourish mind, body and soul. Eating good food, exercising, meditation. Travel, reading books, discovering the world and me. It isn’t easy to know others better than I know myself, and the person I was two years ago is no longer me. Question is, how do I expect others to know me when I don’t even know myself. Hopefully soon enough we both will know.
For my latest blog post I decided to write about something I ‘know’; relationships. I would argue however that I don’t actually know anything about relationships and I feel as though I’m new and blind to the whole love thing. Even my relationships with friends are something I feel I still haven’t mastered yet, even the ones I’ve been in for years.
I’ve named this post Love Conquers All because it’s a saying I’ve heard and possibly muttered to myself once or twice before in an effort to convince myself that the ‘shit-storm’ of a relationship I was in could be salvaged. I’ve even sat down previously and written a (rather terrible) post about relationships. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) that one got lost. Much like when we are in a relationship, hmm? We get lost in love. Oh, much romance, such fun!
I dare say that love, and relationships, are something that I think about every day. For the people around me it shouldn’t come as a surprise because I’m all loved up and have been in a relationship for 360 days (countdown is on until the one year mark). I gloat and boast about how wonderful my partner is and the life we have planned together and as much as we have incredibly wonderful times there are also the times I want to walk away screaming or the times I’m just plain bored. I’m not one to shy away from the truth and I don’t paint pictures in pretty pink tones when in reality they’re dark blues, greys and blacks so I’ll be honest about my relationship. Some nights hanging out with my boo I’m just plain bored. I don’t want to watch a movie or I want my own time or I just want something slightly varied. My partner and I fight, no doubt about it. We argue about who drives or what movie to watch or even what to have for dinner. But then there are the more serious fights, which I’m really not sure how they come up but they do. These fights are generally about how someone is feeling or one of us has done something to upset the other (yes, I’m talking about the time my boyfriend considered his computer game more important than his girlfriend who had failed a uni subject and was having a moment), or just from simply having different views or opinions. Let me tell you, those moments are really freaking hard. I’m stubborn and I yell and get angry and opinionated. TGS (as I fondly call my partner) is also stubborn, but he is quiet and doesn’t yell which makes our arguments interesting.
Over the past few weeks relationships have been hot topic for me and my companions. Although relationships are tricky sometimes they are also worth it, a friend recently pointed out to me. This friend was able to remind me that they too have issues in their relationship from time to time and we established that although love is crazy and can hurt, it is also warm and delicious and comforting and amazing (much like a freshly baked mud cake). I’ve had a fair share of heartbreak and it’s fucking awful. It makes it even worse when you take a look back at all the failed relationships and realise the common denominator is you. If that’s not a blow to your ego then I don’t know what is. Don’t fear my fellow love bugs because when you ‘find’ someone who actually, truly loves you, then all those failed relationships and heartbreaks fall to the side. The pain and memories may never go away but seeing your significant others face, smelling their neck and feeling their arms embrace you really makes the heart swell. Even when TGS and I are having a horrid argument, lying next to him in bed makes things okay for a bit. Yes, even when I came second to a computer game. I’m happy to report that after every minor or major disagreement we have had, we always make up and support each other. As another one of my very wise friends has said, you have to have faith in the relationship. If you spend your time wondering when or if the relationship is going to end then you clearly never believed in it in the first place.
From my many, many discussions about, and from personal experience with relationships, I feel as though there are some pretty important things that should just naturally be part of a good loving relationship. I guess first off that would be love right if you’re in a loving relationship. I also count honesty, respect and support as incredibly important parts of a relationship. You don’t always have to have the same interests or opinions as your partner but giving them support and respect for their differences and passions helps to nurture a strong and stable relationship (in my opinion anyway). Within my relationship with TGS there are so many things that happen that I count myself lucky for and that I hopefully do not take for granted. TGS has never made me feel physically or emotionally abused or threatened, as though I was a burden to him or that this relationship was not worth the time. If you experience any of these, check yo self and your relationship. Have you ever heard that we receive the love we think we deserve? I’m not a firm believer in this, but there’s definitely some truth behind this saying. One of my previous relationships was beyond horrible. I was not in a great place and did not think highly of myself, and I actually didn’t receive a great deal of support nor was there a lot of positives overall. And despite the saying love conquers all, it actually does not.
Despite the past I’m still a big believer in romance and love and living happily ever after. My heart would melt if it happened to me, but if it didn’t the world wouldn’t end. I’m a strong independent lady who doesn’t need a man. Except if there is a bug around. A partner should be someone who doesn’t make or break your life, but compliments it. Don’t listen to other people, unless you are in an abusive relationship then PLEASE listen to them when they tell you to leave. Only you can make decisions about your life and although similarities occur, each relationship is unique and only you can say what is normal in the relationship. Don’t let the haters get you down. I actually hate myself for typing that sentence but I completely agree with the message.
I see many couples around me; from my parents who have been together for over 30 years, to my married cousins, I see inspiration around me all the time. I see people with the same yet different beliefs and interests, who mutually love and respect but never someone who is out rightly expecting something of the other person. Unfortunately I have also seen people who have changed once they have entered relationships, putting everyone and everything below their relationship. Many of my platonic relationships have suffered, not only because I have been the victim but also the perpetrator. From both sides it sucks. To see someone (or to be someone) who sacrifices themselves for another is heartbreaking. I want my life to be filled with love from many people in my life, not just one.
Love isn’t made out to be like it is in the movies. Love is hurtful and mean, it makes you do stupid and crazy things and sometimes we don’t always recognise who we are. I don’t think love does or can conquer all, especially by itself. When love does happen and it is the right love, then it is wonderful and fun, and you can smile a little bigger.
You read these names and what pops into your head? The incredibly popular 90’s sitcom ‘Friends’ of course! I never really watched ‘Friends’ until I moved in with my current housemate; he has the whole set downloaded and loves it. So over the course of four months I binged on ‘Friends’. When I was in a good mood I watched ‘Friends’, when I was in desperate need of cheering up I watched ‘Friends’. Its fair to say whatever was happening in my life, I was watching ‘Friends’. As I’m sure many of you can relate you laughed and even cried (when Monica and Chandler get engaged, and of course in that heartbreaking last scene), but I bet you also sang along to the very catchy theme song ‘I’ll be there for you’ by the Rembrants. Recently my housemate has started to watch ‘Friends’ again and when I walk past his room I hear it and it makes me giggle. When the theme song plays I sing along and it has started to get stuck in my head. Generally I sing songs without paying much attention to them but with this one, I’ve started to dissect the lyrics and found that hey it is actually very easy to relate to, and to the show. Thinking back, the song is a perfect pick for ‘Friends’ – we’re first introduced to the lovable bunch when Rachel runs out on her wedding and she tries to sort her life out. Her dad cuts her off and Rachel has to find a job and accommodation all on her own. Welcome to the real world, Rachel. I can’t help but think, isn’t this like so many of our lives?
Okay, so not everyone runs out on their own wedding but there seems to come a point in our lives where we’re considered adults and we can, or SHOULD, do all these things on our own. As as the opening lyrics to the song goes ‘So no one told you life was going to be this way’. Umm no, they sure as hell didn’t! Every so often I catch myself struggling and I wonder why didn’t my parents tell me being an adult is so hard?! Like Rachel, all our lives everything has been done for us; we’re given things on a silver platter. We’re told when to go to bed, what to wear, what to eat, where to go to school. Our parents decide from the get-go how our life will be lived. That is, until we reach adulthood. It seems that after you graduate high school you’re jerked into the real world where you have to fend for yourself. For some people they’re lucky enough to stay at home with mum and dad and have things done for them. I knew someone who even at the age of 19 didn’t know how to use an iron. I used to think that she would have trouble in the ‘real world’. I think the moment I realised when I was growing into an adult was when I had to make appointments for myself. Then I got my drivers license and I was no longer reliable on my parents for transport. I was earning my own money and was able to make decisions that impacted my life while having to assess how it impacted others. I don’t regret anything I did as a teenager or child – I was so blessed to have the life I had – but it makes me wonder; if my parents hadn’t educated me, who would have? And no I wasn’t home schooled, I mean educated about LIFE. I’ve seen this image floating around the internet and it goes something like: ‘Things we didn’t learn in school: What are taxes, how do we do taxes, how do we apply for a home loan etc etc but thank god I know the Pythagorean theory’. I laugh every time but it is actually so true. Why isn’t there a class at school that teaches us about the real world. Half this stuff I still don’t know and without my parents, I wouldn’t know the stuff I do today.
I don’t speak to the aforementioned person anymore but sometimes I sit back and laugh about how she wouldn’t make her own lunch and didn’t know how to use everyday household objects. How blissful would it be to not have to do anything for yourself. But maybe you’re like me and you find it somehow liberating to be an independent lady who don’t need no mumma and pappa. Just kidding, I am independent but sometimes I desperately need my mum and dad! Maybe its their familiarity or their wise words, but knowing I can turn to them when I don’t know what to do is comforting. And whilst I do find it liberating living out of home, I’m also shit scared. I’m scared I’m going to run out of money and have nothing to eat and become homeless, that because I call my own shots I’ll just up and quit my job because I hate it and lounge around eating all the foods and become fat. Although quitting my job would result in my being skinny, so maybe its not for the worst. But seriously, no one told me life was going to be this way. Sure I was warned and told ‘life isn’t fair’, one of my dad’s favourite sayings by the way, but its a lot different to what I imagined.
In the time frame of 20 plus minutes, the gang always seems to sort their problems out (everything would just be FABULOUS if I could solve all my issues that quickly!) but alas it is not like that. Navigating the realities of the world can be so hard, especially when you don’t have a support network. And unlike the show, there’s not always lots of laughs and jokes to go around. Deciding where to live is hard. Deciding where to work is hard. Deciding how to manage your finances is hard. Deciding what to have for dinner is so damn HARD. If I struggle in deciding what food to end my day with then how the hell am I supposed to decide what to do with my money? Being an adult is really fucking hard. You’ve got no one telling you what to do and suddenly you become responsible for yourself, and even for other little humans too. Its like I woke up one day and I wasn’t 14 anymore. Being a teenager I thought I could do it all, that I wouldn’t have any issues and I was going to be like, the best, like, adult, like, ever. Like, OMG. While I’m not longer 14 anymore and I’m considered to be a grown-up, I’m definitely not like, the best adult ever. When my days consist of rolling out of bed at 11 and eating toast for dinner I’m far from having my life in order. I dream about the days I’m able to find the motivation to jump out of bed at 7, pump it at the gym and have a well-balanced and nutritious meal for dinner. I guess it’s all just something to aim towards and maybe when I’m well (another story for another day) it’s something that I can achieve.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is that no one told me being an adult is so hard. Managing all these different things and having responsibilities is a real skill. I guess we’re all just trying our best. However, when I grow up maybe I’ll be successful and be a real adult like in ‘Friends’. I guess I’ve gotten this far thanks to my parents for helping me become the adult that I am (although I’m pretty sure I’ve still got a way before I become 100% adult) and the experiences I’ve had. I also have to thank Joey,Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross for being there for me when it hasn’t been my day, my month or my year.
A Fine Word 